“No expectations; no disappointments” – 4 simple steps to freedom at work, home and play

“Why do I get so upset at work when my co-workers don’t live up to my expectations”?  asked one of the participants in a coaching workshop I facilitated last week.

“No expectations, no disappointments” I flippantly replied

“You mean you should NOT have expectations”? asked another “But surely you must, otherwise how will things get accomplished?  How will you hold people accountable”?

This interchange stayed with me that night.  As I prepared for the second day of training, I thought about how often expectations lead us to feelings of disappointment, betrayal, distrust and anger – even when, and perhaps especially so, we have the highest regard for the person of whom we have expectations.  We truly mean well for them and for us.  Oft times we genuinely believe that we are holding them to a higher standard than they could have thought possible.  Our expectations are born out of good intentions.  So why do they end up in negative feelings and fractured relationships?

When people are together in groups, be it work, family, place of worship, school or play, it is natural to expect that they will perform as required.  “As required”! Aha!  A clue!  The issue is not about our expectations which are one-sided, imposed and unilaterally stated.  It is my expectation of you.  “You” may or may not know about the expectation, and have had no say in it.  The active party is “I”.  “You” are the passive participant.   To change the negatives into positive feelings on both sides, I must understand and accept that the real issue around accountability is what we agree with each other,  The power is in changing expectations to agreements.

A few years ago, stimulated by the quote above, I decided to release expectations of others.  Like magic, I found great peace and freedom when I did this.  I am no longer disappointed when team members do not perform to my expectations.  I am no longer disappointed when my children do not do as I expect.  Or should I say – I don’t stay disappointed for too long.

How do I do this?  Can you?  Here are 4 simple actions you can take to transform your expectations into agreements:

1.Become aware of your expectations of others.  Notice how you are feeling when someone does something about which you feel disappointed

2.Ask yourself whether the person was aware of your expectation.  This is not about your thinking that the person “should know” – it is about you having had a conversation with the person in which your expectation was clearly stated.  If this did not occur, then YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO YOUR EXPECTATION!

3.Release the expectation right now.  Understand that this is not about the other person, it is about you and your thoughts and feelings about the situation

4.If the matter is still important (sometimes, once you release the expectation you will find that the matter is trivial and not worth your time and energy), then have a quiet conversation with the person to get AGREEMENT around the matter.  Resist mightily the temptation to use the words “I expect that …”.  Instead, ask questions, all the while focused on getting mutual understanding and agreement

Now you have an agreement.  Will the person breach the agreement?  Perhaps.  But instead of disappointment and frustration, you will now be empowered and confident to have a conversation with the person about why they did not keep their word, and what you together can do to move forward.

And if you don’t reach agreement?  Actually, you always will come to agreement – it’s just that the person may not have agreed with you!  In which case you have some more releasing to do!

“No expectations; no disappointments” – releasing your expectations and forging agreements will free you from the tyranny of hurt and betrayal and open you to freedom!