Feelings are always genuine

“Feelings are always genuine” stated Michel, a participant in one of the Transformational Coaching workshop I facilitated last week.

We were discussing the issue of giving feedback to people with the intention of “enhancing their effectiveness in a way that they feel helped” (our working definition of coaching with heart). With this simple statement, Michel reminded us that it makes no sense to question the validity of people’s feelings. People feel the way they feel because…. Well, no reason. They just feel that way. Is it genuine? How do I know? What does it matter? They are feeling it and it’s real to them.

Sometimes we get lost in discussions, even to the point of arguing, trying to discern why someone feels a certain way, and whether they “genuinely” feel so. I believe it’s a waste of time. If someone feels hurt, they feel hurt. I will not question that they feel hurt. It is real to them. And so I accept it.

The best thing I can do when faced with how someone feels is to accept the feeling: “I know you feel hurt”. If I add “but” I have not yet accepted how the other person is feeling. I do not need to wonder if that feeling is genuine or not – I just need accept that it is, and then decide whether I want to deal with the impact or result of them feeling hurt. I am now in a much better place to choose a conversation that moves us forward.