Parenting is gender neutral

As I headed out the door at 1.00 a.m. on Sunday morning to pick up my teenagers from a party, I noticed in me feelings of resentment and discomfort about having to do a task that I consider a man’s job, the dangers of a woman exiting her home in the depths of night and driving alone on dark, mostly deserted roads. Thankfully, I came out of it, as I realised that regardless of the circumstances, I do whatever I have to do for the wellbeing and happiness of my children.

All of us have assigned roles to “mother” and “father”. Typically, these come from what our mothers and fathers did or did not do. Societal norms affirm these beliefs, with numerous literature and studies on the distinctions and acceptable characteristics of the roles. As our children are born, we come to parenting as mother if we are female, and father if we are male. However, these distinctions are not just about the biological roles, but of the behavioural ones, with clear demarcations of what each must do and is responsible for. In playing out these gender roles, conflicts arise. There is discord between the parents due to differing definitions and expectations from their own unique upbringing as no two people have exactly the same experience of “mother” and “father”. As each grapples with what works and what doesn’t, there are internal struggles as well – with what we have transferred automatically from our experience, and what we recognise does not work with the unique individuals known as our children. Matters are further compounded when there is only one parent present. Then that parent has to figure out how to provide the full experience of parenting required by the child. For whether it is by mother, father or both, the child has needs that must (or should) be met.

Once we recognise that parenting is about doing our best to meet our child’s needs for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual guidance and development, and then it matters less which gender provides it. Dysfunction in the relationship with the child occurs when we approach the task with rigid definitions of “mother” and “father”, as half of a mother/father pair rather than as a whole parent. For when we do this we become resentful and angry at the failure of the other party and our own failure. It is these negative feelings that cause dysfunction, not the situation itself.

It is important that we approach parenting with a focus on our children’s wellbeing, and not from our past experience of being parented. Whatever our children need, we provide as best we can regardless of whether our father or mother did or did not do it, or who society says “should” do it. Communication between the parents is crucial – to define what parenting means for both in terms of their upbringing and deeply held beliefs, what each child’s unique needs are, and who will do what regardless of societal gender-based roles. It is so important to approach parenting with love and gratitude, for the gift of a child is the greatest joy. When things go right, it is the source of highest joy and when things go wrong, it provides our greatest life lessons.

As I headed out the door at 1.00 a.m. my thoughts were transformed from anger and resentment to gratitude for the gift of being a parent. Whatever my children need I will provide lovingly and joyously, regardless of whether it is considered the mother’s job or the father’s job. I am a parent.