If I had only …..

My sweet little puppy, Purlie, died last night. Purlie was the livewire of our household. She was the dog who was first out of the house to greet me as I drove through the gate. By the time the car stopped, she was already at the door, tail wagging.

Purlie was the smallest of a litter of seven pups born last year January to one of my dogs Itsy Bitsy. Purlie decided to keep the human family into which she was born for it was never a matter of us deciding to keep her – she was just too adorable NOT to keep.

As I grieve Purlie’s death, I am lead to the usual “If I had only …”. Apparently what happened is that Purlie sneaked through the gate when I drove out and got hit by a passing motor vehicle. So, all night and all day today, I have been saying to myself:

If I had only looked back before I drove off to make sure that she was not outside
If I had only trained her NOT to go through the gate ….
If I had only decided not to go out last night
If I had only ….

I realise that if I ask myself enough “if I had only …” I would inevitably get to “If I had only not kept Purlie” and more “If I had only not allowed Itsy to have puppies”. And so I stop. For “if I had only not kept Purlie”, then there are countless joys I would have missed.

For example, the joy of Purlie making the history of man exciting for Shane. When he was doing this subject, Purlie displayed for us the transformation of humans from 4-legged creatures to 2-legged, as she had this amazing ability to stand and walk on her hind legs for over a minute! I jokingly labelled her “Purlie the hominid” and Shane got the lesson!

The joy on my children’s faces when I surprised them by taking Purlie with me for the drive to pick them up from their friends’ homes or from school. I did this on Thursday night when I picked up Victoria from school. It was so much fun to have Purlie climbing all over my lap trying to stick her head out as far as possible out of the car window so she could get more and more wind in her face. And then Victoria’s joyous “Purlie” when she saw her in the car.

Purlie had the cutest way of raising her nose in the air, pursing her lips and going “roo, roo, roo, rooo”. We would laugh whenever we saw her do this, and spent many moments trying to get her to do it for others (including going “roo, roo, roo” ourselves!)

There were other magical moments with Purlie:

Shane blowing in her face, and Purlie trying to bite the air from his mouth.

Victoria’s classic video of Daisy, the JSPCA mutt, pulling Purlie by the leash.

Purlie’s habit of leaping onto my bed and then jumping off, knowing that she is not allowed to do that.

Victoria and Shane’s friends, on arriving at the gate, screaming “Purlie” with joy – for they all just adored Purlie.

These are the moments and experiences, and more, that I would have missed “If I had only ….”

And so it is in all aspects of our lives. If we spend time saying “If I had only ….” we will be on a journey to nowhere. For that type of thinking gets us to a place where we live without taking risks, without doing things differently, without making a difference, where we live without JOY. Yes, there is pain, but there is also happiness, learning and joy, which far outweigh it.

Would I have given up having Purlie in our lives? NO WAY!

There are so many beautiful memories of this 1 year and 2 months with Purlie. Last night when I came home, there was an energy missing. As I called for Purlie, somehow I knew that her energy had gone elsewhere. As we looked at her body this morning, we saw that it was not her – her spirit was not there. But memories of her enrichment of our lives will always remain. There is no “If I had only …”. Things are the way they are. Purlie was to “leave” us last night – her doggie soul was ready to travel. She had served her earthly purpose.

Bless you my little Purlie Wurlie – my little girlie! Mummy, Victoria and Shane love you and will always remember you.