Niceness
February 16, 2007 by Marguerite Orane
Filed under Release
I have a dear friend who is very opinionated, direct, brusque, dogmatic even. He does not mince words. He says exactly what’s on his mind. He is tough with his statements and with his questions. He does not care what people think or say about him. In the past few days, two people have complained to me that he is not “nice” and that “people” have a “problem” with him. Others have done so in the past. And I started to muse on this issue of “niceness”.
I checked my dictionary and found that “nice” means “pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance” or “socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous”. “Niceness” has within it societal norms and values of how we SHOULD behave. Can you believe though, that when I check the etymology of “nice,” I find that it comes from the Latin words “nescius” meaning “ignorant” and “nescire” – “not to know?”
And so, when we say that someone is not “nice” we are really saying that we do not know them. We are saying that our only frame of reference is what society defines as being socially acceptable, and that BASED ON WHAT WE SEE of the person – he/she does not conform and is therefore labeled “not nice”. Notice that we only refer to people as “nice” when they are close to our own level of consciousness. Anything different is – not nice!
From this labeling comes a whole series of events – we now behave towards this person in a certain way befitting people who are not nice. We may choose to not speak to them, not listen to them, and not be with them because who wants to be with a “not nice” person? Then of course, we need to enroll everyone else in this in order to validate our labeling; so we call our friends and acquaintances and start spreading the word – “so and so is not nice”, “people have been saying that so and so is not nice”, “people have a problem with so and so because he or she is not nice”, yada, yada, yada. Think about this: in Jesus’ time – how many people thought that he was nice? In fact he was killed because he was not nice, betrayed and denied even by his own disciples.
And it occurs to me – are we in this world to be nice? Are we here to be what society wants us to be, or are we here to be who WE truly want to be? My daughter often accuses me of not being a nice mother – always of course, when I have taken some disciplinary action or am going against the commonly held perception of what a “nice mother” is. This does not bother me, for I am very clear that the actions I am taking are for her, and my good, and are consistent with my beliefs and convictions are of what type of mother I choose to be.
If we take a closer look we will see that all of our heroes and heroines were not “nice” people. Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Junior, Malcolm X etc. were people who were scorned, imprisoned and even killed for not confirming to acceptable societal norms. At the time, few people thought they were nice! And they did not care. It did not bother them, for they were clear about who they are and what they stood for. They were living without compromise.
When we perceive people to be “not nice” we need to ask ourselves why. What societal norms have we bought into? Once we are hung up on being “nice”, then we are in a world of compromise. In this place, what people say is more important than how we feel i.e. what our higher Self is saying to us. In this place, we are out of control of our lives, for we have given control to others to determine how we react to people and who we have in our lives (for of course, we only want “nice” people in our lives). We also want to be perceived as being nice, so we give up control of our own beliefs, words and actions in exchange for social acceptability. How ignorant!
It is not our duty to be nice. “Niceness” is for ignorant people who want to live out their precious time on this planet in misery, unhappiness and despair. It is our duty to be ourselves, to be true to ourSelf and to have everything in our lives be congruent with that. Ultimately we have a choice – are we going to be nice so that others will like us and we can have lots of “friends” or are we going to be people of integrity who act accordingly?
For what the world needs now are more people of integrity speaking and being the truth. This is what will expand the consciousness of the world and create lasting peace, love and harmony.
It is our duty to be “not nice”!
Marguerite,
I am moved and inspired by your musing and reflection. It is great to see you on this path of consciousness and enlightenment. It is the path less travelled and yet the only path worth travelling.
Love and Light
Courtney
Thank you Courtney. Yes, it is the path less travelled. It is only when we decommit from societal norms that we can truly engage on this journey. One of the things that holds us back is that we think we will be lonely. However, that’s not the case at all. When we travel this path, we find that our own company is enough; that we “need” no-one and are then free to enjoy everyone who comes across our path. Then, we will find joy and happiness, as our lives will be in alignment with our higher self. What a wonderful day it will be when this path is NOT the one less travelled!
Hi Marguerite,
You are a very Conscious Human Being. I love your thought process especially on the piece on Niceness and your Toenails. You should have these articles published in the Daily Newspapers. They make interesting and thought provoking reading.
Stay Conscious.
PS: I wish that your new toenails will come back fully soon. Also, don’t give up on your fight for reform in Education, you seem to be the lone voice in the wilderness on that. Keep writing, one day someone ‘significant’ will pick up on it and do something.
Andrew
HI Marguerite
Your blogg “Niceness” says it all,I wish everyone saw it your way.
Michael
What a deep philosophical analysis of this word.
Trust your instincts. People are very often not nice – and it does not have a genetic antecedent.
Some of us simply behave in ways which offend others. Of course there may be deep seated reasons for this, which we may or may not learn because we do not know the person.
The bottom line, however, is that we will never get to know all the people whio fall into the category of “not nice” – and their behaviour sure as hell precludes us trying.
Marie
I’ve been thinking about your niceness comments on and off for the past couple of weeks and have really taken them to heart. But I would like to put forward the idea that real subject at hand is when does the truth work and when does it not, and as a result, where is the balance.
My wife gave me a quote from Henry David Thoreau this week that speaks to this – “It takes two to speak the truth–one to speak and another to hear.”
Personally, my biggest concern is who wants to be the not nice person speaking the truth, let’s face it, for a lot of people, ingorance is truly bliss. (I know, people are good, they want to do the right thing, blah, blah). Look at the examples of those lone crusaders of truth: Galileo, Ralph Nader, and my favorite, Horton, the hero of Whoville. Horton was tied up, called crazy and ridiculed by the animals of Nool. All of this for paying the price of doing what’s right.
Mind you, I’m not one for being Quixoteque, but hey, we live and work in a world that isn’t the most resptive to change.
The Hopi Indian tribe have a word that has stayed with me for a long time – Koyaanisqatsi. It means life out of balance or in turmoil. I often look around and think of this word (especially when I’m sitting in traffic). Then, inevitably, I try to think of the things I did during my day to find my own personal equilibrium.
Mike
There is a very powerful Jamaican saying; “yuh catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”. It is not about sacrificing your truth for others’ sensibilities but about… how effective a communicator do you want to be. A very aware person will always know what level of consciousness he is interacting with and is open and fluid enough to present his information in exactly the most harmonious way to this individual where it connects on a deeper level than the intellect.. soul to soul. What is the point of even opening my mouth if my intention is not for the other to receive my information with some level of understanding. Those who are automatically offended by my manner of delivery has not heard one word of the message I am trying to convey. The people who Jesus spoke to directly were never offended by his words which brought enlightenment to them. The religious scibes and pharisees were offended by his teaching because it threatened their very existence. I think the most powerful attribute on this earth is to learn how to be true to oneself while at the same time imparting understanding, compassion and love to others in my words, thoughts and deeds…. in so doing, I truly would have learnt how to love my brother as I love myself…
namaste