There is nothing to argue about

I recently met a most delightful couple who have been married for 17 years. The husband mentioned that they had never had an argument during their marriage. Of course, the group of which I was a part, looked at him incredulously – we didn’t believe him – “Huh! Wonder what your wife would say”. So, when his wife turned up a few hours later, we asked her if they had ever had an argument. She looked a little baffled for a moment and then said “It’s true” She paused and then said “There is nothing to argue about”.

I have been musing on this for the entire week. I realize that the “normal” construct for a relationship is that there MUST be arguments. So, the “first fight” of a new couple is a much-heralded milestone; We take it for granted that couples will argue, that it is normal to have disagreements that are so strongly felt that they result in quarrels, withdrawal and even emotional and physical violence. This is our construct for relationships – and in particular for marriage. Of course, whoever we are in one relationship, we tend to be in others. So, arguments are commonplace in our relationships with our children, at work, at church and any other settings in which we are engaged with other people. We live in an argumentative world!

But the wife’s statement got me thinking “What IS there to argue about?”. It struck me that if I stop and ask that question every time I am about to argue, I would likely not argue at all! It only takes one person in a relationship to NOT argue. For if I refuse to argue with you – then there is no argument! Refusing to argue means that I must turn my energy into finding alternative ways of expressing myself. It does NOT mean that I clam up and shut up (although I may do that temporarily while the other person argues with him/herself). What a wonderful thought – to take the enormous energy we put into arguing and place it instead in creative alternatives for positively resolving perceived differences.

There is nothing to argue about. When we realize this, we are on the road to expressing positive and happy ways of being in ALL our relationships.